This made me tear up. I got married earlier this year, after going through very similar struggles with myself - I don't fit the neatly shaped gender hole that's carved out for me in a traditional wedding ceremony, I'm entirely unlovable, almost everyone I knew had parents who were either divorced or bitterly unhappy in their marriages so what kind of template did I have? Turns out we didn't need a template or a rulebook, or anything that wasn't exactly what we wanted to make our wedding and marriage our own.
"I may be weird and not conventionally attractive, but look! This man claims me! I'm not a total failure!" Rude of you to come for me in my own inbox. 😅
Cishet marriage gave me a path to acceptance and a place in society, and it was great until it wasn't. Now I'm finally realizing what a bad fit it is, but at the same time being gentle with myself for the choices I made when I didn't know how to listen to myself. And being thankful that I live in a time and place where I can get divorced and have a chance at a different kind of life.
As someone who is currently planning my wedding that's happening so soon, this was amazing to read. I have been thinking so much about how I was so afraid of marriage and decided it wasn't for me. I fantasized being alone in an attic living as a poor artist and being incredibly sad. I'm so happy I found my way to where I am now and to see you did as well
I feel like weddings are like dogs and babies. You see everyone else have them, they have absolutely no power over you— but then you have one for yourself and suddenly you’re obsessed.
I never, ever thought I'd get married. I made it known. My parents split when I was 6 and it wrecked me for a long time even though they really needed to be apart, so I felt like I didn't grow up knowing what good relationships looked like. I didn't go on a date as an adult until I was 25 because it felt like a waste of time and like no one wanted me/I couldn't find the right person. Around this time I fully realized I was queer so maybe that helped? I was still dating cis het guys though and it felt wrong. Then my partner found me online. We lived hundreds of miles away from each other, but we gave it a shot. We just celebrated our second wedding anniversary on the 6th. I'm pan/agender and he is pan/non-binary. He feels like home.
All this to say people make this WHOLE SHITTY THING about marriage and it's mostly just crappy straight culture and/or conservative religious culture things becoming the very broken norm. I am so happy that our generation, especially us queer folx, are breaking that stereotype. Maybe because we had to fight for it? Maybe because the world is starting to move past all the toxic, gendered marriage stereotypes. All that to say I am glad you found your person, that you get to be you, and you found a way to make marriage feel right. No one should ever feel obligated to get married. It should be a very happy and willy choice.
I never fantasized about weddings either, despite trying to hide being gay behind a relationship with a(n abusive) man for a few years.
When my wife and I were finally able to get married, we did it in a hurry to get my wife decent insurance, but we'd been together 9 years at that point, so it was also a joy. My parents said that it was "disappointing" that we were getting married.
The best wedding I've ever been to was for a couple within a polyam triad who'd been together for 15 years. It was at least as joyous as the night gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts.
It's funny that I thought I didn't like weddings, considering I'm otherwise a very demonstrative and romantic person. But "my face didn't fit in the hole where it was supposed to fit"... that one stings.
"I don't want a big wedding" didn't mean what I thought it meant. It meant I didn't want wear a tux and have groomsmen and have people talking about the old ball and chain and all of that bullshit. I means I didn't want to get married as a man, and thank god for that.
Now when I think about my wedding I actually think about ND and Molly's wedding. About two crazy dresses and posing with a sword. It makes me so happy I don't have words to express it, like liquid sunshine is bubbling up inside of me. I still haven't met that person yet, but I know. It's gonna be great.
> Wife. Such a meaningless word. It is the word of loveless marriages, of men who think of women as possessions. When last did you hear it used with respect? How many times sneeringly?
I always love reading your comics. As someone who grew up in the church, in a very conservative family as well, your experiences are exceptionally relatable.
I found that even after I came out, I still wanted to be married, still because that was something that had been expected and somewhat planned in my mind that it was 100% going to happen someday. Even though my parents weren't supportive of my being gay AT ALL, there were still a lot of things ingrained in me that didn't really make sense anymore. Like the NEED for marriage, even to someone my parents were never going to like. Even the feeling of needing to have children at some point. Despite the fact that neither my parents nor the church would approve of either for us. My brain was just like, "Okay, yeah, but this is what I've psyched myself up for my whole life."
And it took breaking away from those ideals to come back around to deciding if I ever get married it'll be for ME (and my partner). And that I have no interest in an actual baby. And that's all okay.
This made me tear up. I got married earlier this year, after going through very similar struggles with myself - I don't fit the neatly shaped gender hole that's carved out for me in a traditional wedding ceremony, I'm entirely unlovable, almost everyone I knew had parents who were either divorced or bitterly unhappy in their marriages so what kind of template did I have? Turns out we didn't need a template or a rulebook, or anything that wasn't exactly what we wanted to make our wedding and marriage our own.
"I may be weird and not conventionally attractive, but look! This man claims me! I'm not a total failure!" Rude of you to come for me in my own inbox. 😅
Cishet marriage gave me a path to acceptance and a place in society, and it was great until it wasn't. Now I'm finally realizing what a bad fit it is, but at the same time being gentle with myself for the choices I made when I didn't know how to listen to myself. And being thankful that I live in a time and place where I can get divorced and have a chance at a different kind of life.
Thank you for this ❤️
As someone who is currently planning my wedding that's happening so soon, this was amazing to read. I have been thinking so much about how I was so afraid of marriage and decided it wasn't for me. I fantasized being alone in an attic living as a poor artist and being incredibly sad. I'm so happy I found my way to where I am now and to see you did as well
I feel like weddings are like dogs and babies. You see everyone else have them, they have absolutely no power over you— but then you have one for yourself and suddenly you’re obsessed.
I never, ever thought I'd get married. I made it known. My parents split when I was 6 and it wrecked me for a long time even though they really needed to be apart, so I felt like I didn't grow up knowing what good relationships looked like. I didn't go on a date as an adult until I was 25 because it felt like a waste of time and like no one wanted me/I couldn't find the right person. Around this time I fully realized I was queer so maybe that helped? I was still dating cis het guys though and it felt wrong. Then my partner found me online. We lived hundreds of miles away from each other, but we gave it a shot. We just celebrated our second wedding anniversary on the 6th. I'm pan/agender and he is pan/non-binary. He feels like home.
All this to say people make this WHOLE SHITTY THING about marriage and it's mostly just crappy straight culture and/or conservative religious culture things becoming the very broken norm. I am so happy that our generation, especially us queer folx, are breaking that stereotype. Maybe because we had to fight for it? Maybe because the world is starting to move past all the toxic, gendered marriage stereotypes. All that to say I am glad you found your person, that you get to be you, and you found a way to make marriage feel right. No one should ever feel obligated to get married. It should be a very happy and willy choice.
I never fantasized about weddings either, despite trying to hide being gay behind a relationship with a(n abusive) man for a few years.
When my wife and I were finally able to get married, we did it in a hurry to get my wife decent insurance, but we'd been together 9 years at that point, so it was also a joy. My parents said that it was "disappointing" that we were getting married.
The best wedding I've ever been to was for a couple within a polyam triad who'd been together for 15 years. It was at least as joyous as the night gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts.
It's funny that I thought I didn't like weddings, considering I'm otherwise a very demonstrative and romantic person. But "my face didn't fit in the hole where it was supposed to fit"... that one stings.
"I don't want a big wedding" didn't mean what I thought it meant. It meant I didn't want wear a tux and have groomsmen and have people talking about the old ball and chain and all of that bullshit. I means I didn't want to get married as a man, and thank god for that.
Now when I think about my wedding I actually think about ND and Molly's wedding. About two crazy dresses and posing with a sword. It makes me so happy I don't have words to express it, like liquid sunshine is bubbling up inside of me. I still haven't met that person yet, but I know. It's gonna be great.
Read your comic and I was reminded of a drabble:
> Wife. Such a meaningless word. It is the word of loveless marriages, of men who think of women as possessions. When last did you hear it used with respect? How many times sneeringly?
> Why would I want such a word?
> Then I married you.
> Now 'wife' means everything in my world.
~ Devi Lacroix.
I always love reading your comics. As someone who grew up in the church, in a very conservative family as well, your experiences are exceptionally relatable.
I found that even after I came out, I still wanted to be married, still because that was something that had been expected and somewhat planned in my mind that it was 100% going to happen someday. Even though my parents weren't supportive of my being gay AT ALL, there were still a lot of things ingrained in me that didn't really make sense anymore. Like the NEED for marriage, even to someone my parents were never going to like. Even the feeling of needing to have children at some point. Despite the fact that neither my parents nor the church would approve of either for us. My brain was just like, "Okay, yeah, but this is what I've psyched myself up for my whole life."
And it took breaking away from those ideals to come back around to deciding if I ever get married it'll be for ME (and my partner). And that I have no interest in an actual baby. And that's all okay.
Crying in the club. Thank you for being a special part of our day and our lives ❤️
love this. thank you for sharing!
Ah. Back when you were perfect.
dear ND,
happy anniversary to this beautiful post!
love,
myq
Oh this is gorgeous
WAKE UP BABE NEW ND STEVENSON COMIC JUST DROPPED
Beautiful 💛💛