"I always want to keep everything, but not everything is meant to be kept." I want that tattooed on my soul. Or at least somewhere on my wall, to remind me it's OK to let go of things, people, memories, expectations.
When I first came out, I felt weird about the term "deadname." Partly because I didn't hate my birth name (at first) even though it no longer resonated with who I am, but also it seemed odd to consider a part of me "dead." Especially after I came out to my family...I had to deal with my mom essentially accusing me of "killing" her "son" and how she needed to grieve my "death" while I was perfectly alive and well in front of her finally trying to trust her by showing her who I really and truly am instead of the façade of the person I pretended to be to appease them and society (maybe show you love the person more than a pretense they unhappily performed?).
Who I was never died. Maybe the masquerade finally ended, and part of me wishes that name gone and buried; this person still lived those experiences and continues to live with the effects of having worn that mask for as long as they did.
I use the term "deadname" for it still, mostly out of convenience as it is popularly and quickly understood (by most people aware of the existence of trans people) what that entails and that it is not meant to be part of the continued living experience of its former owner. That and I don't know what else I'd care to call it without creating the burden of having to explain the nuance to my audience, haha. I love the way you've put your trans experience into words that are so easy to resonate with and simple and beautiful enough to (hopefully) connect the cis audience to a shared experience of many of the few.
Me too. My deadname is still on the Internet in a lot of places. I did a lot of public-facing work before I came out and it would take much more time and money than I have to scrub it from the web entirely. So I am comfortable with the fact that my deadname will always be around and anyone who wants to know it will find out what it is. At the same time, I can never bring myself to say it, and I don't like seeing it. I'm not sure why. I wasn't conscious of a lot of dysphoria before I came out, which is why it took me so long to figure myself out. I'm not ashamed of it. And yet it really is a dead name to me now, and I don't want it around.
"i always want to keep everything" is VERY relatable.
i have been a maximalist for much of my life.
for example, when i read "choose your own adventures," i would keep my fingers in all the pages so i could go back and have ALL THE ADVENTURES, even at the expense of being able to hold the book and read it properly.
when streaming services started offering BASICALLY ALL OF THE SHOWS ALL OF THE TIME, i thought that was great because then i could watch everything. but then i realized (and continue to realize and remember) that i can't watch everything because there's not enough time. so i MUST choose what i watch. i MUST choose how i spend my time.
similarly, i MUST choose what belongings to keep, because with a limited amount of space, keeping something means i might not be able to fit something else. (i know the universe is supposedly infinitely expanding, but what's the rent on an infinite universe? probably a lot.)
glad for you to be letting go of that which has served you in the past and holding onto that which serves you now and will continue to serve you in the future!
beautiful piece as always!
love,
myq
PS one final (hopefully relevant) story: once, i went on a hike up a mountain with a friend who told me he had turned down a show (he's a standup comedian) so he could go on the hike with me. we determined that while it might feel like he was saying "no" to the show, the more substantial point of what he was doing was saying YES to the MOUNTAIN. and the mountain, the hike, the experience, the friendship, was bigger and more and THE THING. so, it sounds like you are saying yes to a mountain of beauty now. thank you again.
I'm currently struggling with my transition, which is just begining. I fear I might not be strong/brave enough to actually make it through to the end and I will be stuck in a weird cowardly limbo. I can't really imagine getting to the point where I will be faced with making a funeral pyre of my deadname (not dead yet, I guess), but I can only hope. Thanks for being an inspiration ND.
I’m over here, quietly encouraging you to do whatever makes you feel the most like yourself, whatever outcome makes the biggest difference in you being happy instead of scared (((((socially distanced hug, but only if that’s ok)))))
This ♡ Transitioning is about finding the place you are comfortable, not about fitting into a new box. You can take your time, you can change your mind, you can add or drop pronouns, dress/present however you want. As long as you do it all with self-kindness and compassion, you won't go astray. You don't have to have all the answers - nobody does, including cis people.
I had to let go of something about a year ago. It wasn't nearly as big a thing as name change or gender transition, but it had been a part of my self-image and identity for 20+ years and I'd thought I would have it for decades more. I'd already been grieving it for a little while by the time I sent it to the sea. Thank you, ND, for this art that reminds me of the universality of the experience of wanting to keep but needing to let go.
so I sleepily misread a line as "I read recently about the traditions for ramming a ship", and thought Boy this was a sharp left turn, but I am on board!! let's learn what Nate thinks about ramming ships!!
"supposed to be bad luck" mmm yes makes sense 🤔
"have to be careful" but of course! 🤔
"remove every trace of the old name (by ramming)" I... oh <.<
I changed my first name in my late twenties and went through all of these feelings! Thank you so much for drawing this beautiful, deeply personal story.
Wonderful! I love the ship's tradition reference. In most cultures, the name of something is a very powerful component of itself; magic uses this a lot. So the custom of hiding it for protection, or erasing it when a change is due.
I also feel weird about the term "dead name!" I tend to use "birth name" or "old name" because I don't want it to sound so . . . serious if someone accidentally calls me by the wrong name? But this is a beautiful metaphor! And I'm glad I'm not the only one dragging their feet on changing their name in All the Places.
I tend to refer to mine as "my old name" because I also feel weird calling it dead
This, yes!
"I always want to keep everything, but not everything is meant to be kept." I want that tattooed on my soul. Or at least somewhere on my wall, to remind me it's OK to let go of things, people, memories, expectations.
When I first came out, I felt weird about the term "deadname." Partly because I didn't hate my birth name (at first) even though it no longer resonated with who I am, but also it seemed odd to consider a part of me "dead." Especially after I came out to my family...I had to deal with my mom essentially accusing me of "killing" her "son" and how she needed to grieve my "death" while I was perfectly alive and well in front of her finally trying to trust her by showing her who I really and truly am instead of the façade of the person I pretended to be to appease them and society (maybe show you love the person more than a pretense they unhappily performed?).
Who I was never died. Maybe the masquerade finally ended, and part of me wishes that name gone and buried; this person still lived those experiences and continues to live with the effects of having worn that mask for as long as they did.
I use the term "deadname" for it still, mostly out of convenience as it is popularly and quickly understood (by most people aware of the existence of trans people) what that entails and that it is not meant to be part of the continued living experience of its former owner. That and I don't know what else I'd care to call it without creating the burden of having to explain the nuance to my audience, haha. I love the way you've put your trans experience into words that are so easy to resonate with and simple and beautiful enough to (hopefully) connect the cis audience to a shared experience of many of the few.
Thank you for sharing, Nate.
Attie (She/Her)
Me too. My deadname is still on the Internet in a lot of places. I did a lot of public-facing work before I came out and it would take much more time and money than I have to scrub it from the web entirely. So I am comfortable with the fact that my deadname will always be around and anyone who wants to know it will find out what it is. At the same time, I can never bring myself to say it, and I don't like seeing it. I'm not sure why. I wasn't conscious of a lot of dysphoria before I came out, which is why it took me so long to figure myself out. I'm not ashamed of it. And yet it really is a dead name to me now, and I don't want it around.
dear ND,
thank you for this!
"i always want to keep everything" is VERY relatable.
i have been a maximalist for much of my life.
for example, when i read "choose your own adventures," i would keep my fingers in all the pages so i could go back and have ALL THE ADVENTURES, even at the expense of being able to hold the book and read it properly.
when streaming services started offering BASICALLY ALL OF THE SHOWS ALL OF THE TIME, i thought that was great because then i could watch everything. but then i realized (and continue to realize and remember) that i can't watch everything because there's not enough time. so i MUST choose what i watch. i MUST choose how i spend my time.
similarly, i MUST choose what belongings to keep, because with a limited amount of space, keeping something means i might not be able to fit something else. (i know the universe is supposedly infinitely expanding, but what's the rent on an infinite universe? probably a lot.)
glad for you to be letting go of that which has served you in the past and holding onto that which serves you now and will continue to serve you in the future!
beautiful piece as always!
love,
myq
PS one final (hopefully relevant) story: once, i went on a hike up a mountain with a friend who told me he had turned down a show (he's a standup comedian) so he could go on the hike with me. we determined that while it might feel like he was saying "no" to the show, the more substantial point of what he was doing was saying YES to the MOUNTAIN. and the mountain, the hike, the experience, the friendship, was bigger and more and THE THING. so, it sounds like you are saying yes to a mountain of beauty now. thank you again.
I'm currently struggling with my transition, which is just begining. I fear I might not be strong/brave enough to actually make it through to the end and I will be stuck in a weird cowardly limbo. I can't really imagine getting to the point where I will be faced with making a funeral pyre of my deadname (not dead yet, I guess), but I can only hope. Thanks for being an inspiration ND.
I’m over here, quietly encouraging you to do whatever makes you feel the most like yourself, whatever outcome makes the biggest difference in you being happy instead of scared (((((socially distanced hug, but only if that’s ok)))))
This ♡ Transitioning is about finding the place you are comfortable, not about fitting into a new box. You can take your time, you can change your mind, you can add or drop pronouns, dress/present however you want. As long as you do it all with self-kindness and compassion, you won't go astray. You don't have to have all the answers - nobody does, including cis people.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, this process has been a bit like a roller coaster, but I am very grateful for the community :)
Thank you! this means so much and it's really nice to hear it. Socially-distanced-hug you back :)
I am going to do this now, brb renaming this ship *foghorn noises*
I had to let go of something about a year ago. It wasn't nearly as big a thing as name change or gender transition, but it had been a part of my self-image and identity for 20+ years and I'd thought I would have it for decades more. I'd already been grieving it for a little while by the time I sent it to the sea. Thank you, ND, for this art that reminds me of the universality of the experience of wanting to keep but needing to let go.
so I sleepily misread a line as "I read recently about the traditions for ramming a ship", and thought Boy this was a sharp left turn, but I am on board!! let's learn what Nate thinks about ramming ships!!
"supposed to be bad luck" mmm yes makes sense 🤔
"have to be careful" but of course! 🤔
"remove every trace of the old name (by ramming)" I... oh <.<
it was a very beautiful post, thank you <3
Beautiful. Thankyou Nate
Thank you for this comic. It resonated with me a lot.
Needed this. The eternal dance to balance the imperatives of carrying history with you and avoiding the wear and tear of its weight on your back.
I changed my first name in my late twenties and went through all of these feelings! Thank you so much for drawing this beautiful, deeply personal story.
Wonderful! I love the ship's tradition reference. In most cultures, the name of something is a very powerful component of itself; magic uses this a lot. So the custom of hiding it for protection, or erasing it when a change is due.
I also feel weird about the term "dead name!" I tend to use "birth name" or "old name" because I don't want it to sound so . . . serious if someone accidentally calls me by the wrong name? But this is a beautiful metaphor! And I'm glad I'm not the only one dragging their feet on changing their name in All the Places.
Gorgeous, poetic, insightful. Thank you, Nate.
♥️